Ever heard of ‘friend-zoning’? For those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon (AKA, my mum), getting ‘friend-zoned’ is the ultimate fear of most millennials. ‘Friend-zoning’ occurs when one party seeks a physical relationship from another, but is informed that the secondary party concerned seeks solely a friendship. Upon realising that the person they have been pursuing is interested in them purely platonically, the friend-zonée seethes with injustice – proceeding to profess their outrage to any who dare lend a sympathetic ear:
“I paid for her Nando’s once yeah, and she f**king friend-zoned me, the b**ch!”
Whilst it’s true that one-sided love affairs never do end happily, why is it that women who reject men sexually are so commonly vilified? Sure, it’s flattering to be pursued romantically, but the expectation seems to be that this flattery will naturally extend to reciprocation. Perhaps Hollywood is to blame – the boy who stands on a girl’s lawn, boombox on his shoulder, certainly does not get rejected. I can’t say that I don’t buy into this, because I totally do. Who doesn’t want a man to make a grand, romantic gesture to win her over? The only issue is, we aren’t used to seeing these proclamations of romantic interest go awry – something tells me that Disney princesses turning away suitors wouldn’t have sold quite so well…
“Yep thanks very much Prince C, the glass slipper fits fantastically. See you ‘round old pal!”
“Why’d you wake me up from my 5 year nap? I was avoiding confronting the patriarchy, you d*ck!”
“Umm well, you locked my dad in jail and yelled at me when I touched your manky old flower, so no, I won’t snog you, you big hairy git!”
Whilst being rejected romantically is undoubtedly hurtful – for Disney Prince, or mere mortal, we must consider that there are two sides to every story. In this case, the alternate story is that of the person who has been pursued sexually by someone they viewed as a friend.
Having heard the same story from numerous friends and acquaintances, I came to the conclusion that many of us had had the same experience. We had assumed a relationship to be platonic, only to discover that this ‘friend’ had other ideas. When their true motives were revealed and it became clear that we would not be doing the no-pants-dance, they disappeared into the furthest, darkest corner of the stratosphere – never to be heard from again. We were left feeling dejected – was this person ever truly a friend? Did they ever find my jokes funny? Did they actually care about Susan being a cow at work? Or, were they simply playing the part, in hopes of duping us into a false sense of security?
I found it bizarre that there was no label for this occurrence, given how prolific it seemed to be. Well search no further, folks, if this has happened to you, you have been ‘shag-zoned’. ‘Shag-zoning’ occurs when one party, who seeks friendship, or the continuation of a friendship, is informed that a secondary party is interested in them purely physically. In other words – they don’t give a toot about who you are as a person, they just wanted to get in your pants.
The realisation that someone who you believed to be a friend is in fact, only after your ‘lovely lady lumps’ is pretty shitty – actually, it’s very shitty. To be valued solely by your physicality, is, contrary to popular belief, extremely demeaning. I mean, of course I like to be complimented on my hair, especially when I’ve spent over an hour ironing it, but there’s more to me than my recalcitrant mop, (even if it’s full of secrets). When you share your true self with someone – laugh, talk sh*t, discuss your dreams, all the things that friends do, it is deeply hurtful to discover that the part of you they value the most is the part of you which does not in any way represent who you are as a person – your body.
Is being valued solely by your physicality more offensive than being turned down sexually? I would argue, abso-f*cking-lutely. So, just remember that if a person has claimed you to have ‘friend-zoned’ them, they are not only unforgivably shallow, they are unforgivably unintelligent. I mean, is that supposed to be an insult? Throwing around the word ‘friend’ as a slur is, frankly, obtuse. A person who defines the state of ‘friendship’ as demeaning is suffering from an extreme bout of idiocy, and is prescribed to immediately isolate themselves from civilised society.
If someone truly values you, they will respect your decision to maintain a friendship over a physical relationship. If they have no interest in friendship, past it’s service as a gateway to sex, they clearly do not see you as a person, but as a body to be conquered – hence, they are worth no more than the poo on your shoe, (hope you don’t have poo on your shoes, FYI). Rest assured that you have dodged a bullet in avoiding the company of such a turd.
The truth is, getting rejected sexually is ugly. It’s gritty and real and it makes you feel like total sh*t. But, that my friends, is real life and it is certainly no excuse to demonise or pressure another person because they don’t share your feelings. So, if someone claims you to have ‘friend-zoned’ them, kindly remind them that you do not owe them automatic reciprocation – in fact, if that’s what they’re after, they should invest in a sex doll.
TTFN (ta ta for now),