The 5 Types of Men on Dating Apps

Over glasses of wine with friends, the topic of dating tends to inevitably come up – more recently, our experiences with dating apps. Whether you’re fresh out of a relationship, been single for years, or just like a little flirtation – everyone seems to be on them, yet very rarely do we talk about this. It’s a sort of taboo – the association with desperation still lingers (think: middle aged men lurking on ‘plenty of fish’ at midnight). Yet when the barriers are lifted amongst close friends, you soon start to realise that the same sort of men appear again and again in the dating app stratosphere, no matter where you live. So, being the fun-loving friend I am, I got out a biro and scribbled them down on a napkin for ya:


  1. Action Andrew

This dude is in the armed forces and he wants you to know it – his personality is camouflage paint and a rifle. He will likely have photographs of himself in formal dress (little red jackets ahoy!), and probably one skiing/ trekking somewhere exotic. His bio will 99% of the time contain the phrase ‘looking for someone to go on adventures with!’

2. Gym-buff Gaz

He really, really, REALLY likes vest tops, and you can’t stop him. Spending two hours in the gym per day is tough, but not as hard work as snapping that perfect post-workout pic in the mirror of the disabled loo. Hot. 

3. Chino Charles

His Daddy is a Lawyer, so like, chill out little lady. Chino/ boat-shoe wearer, who has photographs on yachts and at Nikki Beach. He believes that writing ‘don’t bother if you’re less than 10/10’ on his profile will lure in the hot ‘chicas’ through cunningly undermining their self-esteem. He himself is ruddy-nosed, starting to bald, and likely to get gout at some point.

4. Quirky Quentin

An intriguing character who takes all of his photographs in his bedroom, quite possibly in one day. He says he’s 27, but looks more like a generous 35 and either invites you to ‘message if you want to get to know me’, or scribes his entire life story in his bio. Loyal lifelong parter, or serial killer? – it’s anyone’s guess.

5. Festival Freddie

‘Is there anything better than travelling?’ he asks, with a glitter-encrusted wink. His definition of ‘travelling’ being locating a good Thai beach on which to take mushrooms. If his favourite Hawaiian shirt goes missing, he cannot be held accountable for his actions.


I hope that these cheeky chappies resonate with you, and if you are one of said ‘chappies’, I hope that you’ll think more carefully about how a picture paints a thousand words (so please don’t include toilet selfies on your dating profiles, I can literally smell the loo-cleaner from here)

Good luck with that swiping honeys – remember that you are WAY more than a number out of ten, or a picture on a screen.

B x

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