Dua Lipa’s ‘New Rules’ was a smash hit, and not for no reason. We can all empathise with the process she goes through in the song, whether we’ve been through a break-up ourselves, or hidden a friend’s phone on a night out to prevent them texting a troll-ish ex:
- One: Don’t pick up the phone
You know he’s only callin’ ’cause he’s drunk and alone
- Two: Don’t let him in
You’ll have to kick him out again
- Three: Don’t be his friend
You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning
And if you’re under him, you ain’t gettin’ over him
Not only do I have a major girl-crush on Dua (those BROWS?!), I’ve got to agree with her rules. Hold on to your pants here (British definition of ‘pants’), because I’m about to be pretty hard-hitting…
YOU NEED TO BLOCK YOUR EX
Ok, sorry for yelling, but I’m deadly serious! So before you slam shut your laptop lid, let me explain why…
Ok, so remember those evenings spent on the landline to your boyfriend, chasing your sister with a spatula when you heard her eavesdrop on the other line? Just me? Well anyway, my point is that we used to have pretty much only one way of getting in touch with one-another (minus sending letters, but who actually does that?) In this modern age, we are constantly in contact with friends, family, and actually, total strangers on the internet too. Apps, social media, Whatsapp, iMessage – whatever your jam, contacting another human in 2018 is but a few taps away.
You’re probably wondering why I’m rabbiting on like some sort of crotchety granny, rollers a-wobbling with fond memories of the past… bear with me on this one! My point is, that with the abundance of modes of contact, your ex will have infinite options for contacting you after a break-up. It is only inevitable that they will do so at one point or another – I’ve even had an ex reach out via e-bay messenger when all else failed…
Let’s not beat around the proverbial bush, the temptation to get in touch with an ex isn’t always one-sided. One minute you’re browsing their Instagram, starting to get that sick-y feeling in your stomach and the next, you’re crying down the phone to them in the back of a taxi, on the way to their house.
Reaching out to an ex provides a slippery slope down into the devil’s snare*. You become ensnared by those old feelings and memories, until there is no escape but to surrender. When you finally surface to the light, you find yourself returned swiftly back to square one in the process of getting over them. As Dua so sagely instructs – ‘don’t pick up the phone’, girl.
No, maintaining contact of any sort with an ex can only end in disaster – ‘don’t be his friend’ couldn’t be more accurate. To all those people who chirpily exclaim ‘but I’m friends with all of my exes!’ – I call bulls**t. I really cannot believe that your ex, someone with whom you once shared your innermost secrets, let alone the sight of your naked bottom, wants to be your mate. You can bet your bottom dollar (do people keep dollars in there? Is that where the phrase comes from?), that they are reminiscing about that bum, and certainly think that you are interested when you suggest brunch. Don’t do it – it will only end in tears, regret, or most likely, both.
To anyone reading who is going through a break-up right now, it may feel as though the world is crashing down around you, and that’s ok. You need to know that it is normal to feel unsettled when someone you loved exits your life – but that unsettling feeling won’t go away very quickly if you are constantly reminded of them on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and even E-bay (!) Block their ass, do it now. You will honestly feel a huge sense of relief at no longer being afraid of looking at your phone. If they are offended, you can simply explain that it’s too hard for you to be in contact with them right now – you can’t argue with that, and if they do… f**k ‘em.
Lastly – exercising your will-power is hungry work, so stock up on snacks hunny-bee!
*apologies to non Potter-Heads – Devil’s Snare is a plant, featured in the first book, which lives in dark, damp spaces and slowly suffocates any living thing which it touches