As my mother would ask, eyebrows raised almost into her hairline, “what on earth is a ‘F*ckboy?!” Well, Julie (and anyone else asking), a F*ckboy is defined as “A**hole boy who is into strictly sexual relationships; he will lead a girl on and let her down” F*ckboys are the plague of the modern day dating scene, there seems to be one on the corner of every bloody street and they’re not going anywhere.
A f*ckboy will infiltrate the logical part of your brain, showering you with false affection which leads you to believe that a relationship is developing. It is not, as you discover upon his abrupt disappearance into the stratosphere. Did he drop his phone down the loo, therefore losing your number forever? Did he leave the country and start a new life as a yogi? Did he die a mysterious and sudden death? Probably not – ‘Ghosting’ is a very real modern-day conundrum. With no fail-safe solution for you, I can only recommend cunningly evading the company of slimy f*ckboys.
So, what can be done to avoid these toad of toad halls? A good start would probably be learning to spot them. There are many, many types of f*ckboy, however, please find below a summary of the most prolific:
- The Hulk: sports irresistible Johnny Bravo biceps, has a suspiciously permanent tan & a long standing relationship with his eyebrow lady. He might seem well put together, but don’t be fooled – his mum washes his protein shakers & irons his skinny jeans.
- The Continental: suave & stylish, he has excellent hair and an even more enticing accent. Grand gestures are his forte, but beware – his moral compass is about as wayward as Augustus Gloop in a chocolate shop.
- The Red Trous: keep an eye out for delectably coloured chinos, perhaps in a shade of salmon pink, mustard yellow or the classic red – paired with deck shoes, naturally. Hark the dulcet tones of his bellowing laugh, and thump of his over-confident stride. Woof.
- The Bard: smokes ‘rollies’ and incessantly scribbles into a tiny notebook. He will take both of your hands and speak of star-crossed lovers; alas, m’lady, don’t get it twisted – the one he truly speaks to is his very own reflection in your eyes.
- The Mixtape: throws gang signs in almost every photograph, relishes in using the latest slang wherever possible, has an obscenely large collection of *pristine* sneakers. He might raise your street cred, but will address you solely as ‘boo’/ ‘bae’, – he has forgotten your actual name
Whilst giving a fairly accurate overview, this list does not, unfortunately, encapsulate all f*ckboys. There are exceptions to these types, not forgetting that f*ckboys are wily little rodents, who have been known to shape-shift in order to best optimise their mind-f*cking abilities (The Hulk has been known to swap out his trademark ripped jeans for a shiny suit on occasions, the Bard can feign a delighted interest in your conversation, even the Red Trous can at times lower his moose-like bellowing to lure in his prey).
When judging purely upon appearance fails, the best method for identifying a f*ckboy is undoubtably through the observance of his behaviour – “here we see a confident little rodentia horribilis (scientific name for f*ckboys), demonstrating typical habits of the sub-species – promiscuous and calculating, he locates females within his territory and- the chase begins”. Whether you choose to use a David Attenborough voice-over or not, night vision goggles & any other spy gear you have available are essential to track down and eradicate these vermin.
Stay vigilant folks,